100 things...the halfway point

When I started this, I didn't have any set goals as to when I was going to finish it. I just decided that when I felt like writing about myself, I would. I've had a very emotional year for sure--and I've been through my fair share of psychotherapy, medication, and doctors visits. I will say with all that, the best therapy out of all of that is self-therapy. Between this blog and my love for coloring, I've never felt better about myself.

But, I did take a moment and went back through my blog posts from the beginning of this project. I thought about where I was mentally and realized that at the very beginning of this, my head was in the wrong place. I set out to complete this for an impossible, unattainable goal. I'm not going to say what that goal was, but I know it was the wrong one. Even though I told myself I was doing this for myself, way in the back of my mind I knew I was lying. As the posts go on, I see myself really start to get into the true reason for this--for me and just for me and only for me. See, even sometimes, when you tell yourself you're gonna "do YOU",  you aren't "doing you". You're doing something that you think will get you noticed by someone else by portraying yourself as "doing you". We've all heard at some point or another that confidence is sexy and people will notice you more and take you seriously if you are more confident in yourself. That I find is true, but only if it is genuine. My intention from here on is to keep pushing for that goal of LOVING ME--completely, entirely, and endlessly.

Although I am doing this truly for myself, I am greatly appreciative for all the love and support I've received from people. I'm excited to see that this project has gained some traction and I hope that people are feeling at least more positive about themselves, if nothing else.

As I go forward to the end of this project, I'm very excited to see what my brain will come up with next. Being that I am a person full of emotions (all the damn time), there's no telling what the next 50 posts will be. So I congratulate myself tonight for making it this far--here's to the finish line!

100 things part 47 through 50...I love cooking...

This is going to be another list of sorts.

I fell in love with cooking sometime after I got married. As I mentioned in one of my prior writings, I love being a wife for the traditional reasons. I love to clean and I love cooking! When I was working for the opera though, there were so many times where cooking fell on my husband. Not that he is a horrible cook, but I take a lot of pride in my meals when I prepare them. My husband will bake like there's no tomorrow...he can definitely give me a run for my money on pies. But I love spending hours in the kitchen.

I became more involved in cooking after my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes type II, when our daughter was a baby. Let me tell you--that was a life-changer. Literally, that first shopping trip after he came home took me hours. I read every single label and did research on every single item I was purchasing just to make sure it was safe for not only my husband but also my children. No sugar, low carbs, low sodium, and on and on. When we moved into our first townhome I started growing my own herbs and then eventually started a small garden of vegetables. My daughter loved going outside and just grabbing a cucumber or tomato and I loved to have the ability to do that.

Cooking has been a huge part of my life. My great-grandmother loved to cook and my grandmother loves to as well. My mother was always making something new for us to try--which never turned out bad, at least not to me! I've been dying to get my hands on our great-grandmother's cookbook for quite some time now because there are a few things that I've made that are similar to her recipes but still not quite right. In any case, I find cooking to be therapeutic. There's a great foreign film called Like Water for Chocolate which focuses on a young girl by the name of Tita who discovers that she has a special talent for cooking, so special in fact that her entire emotions engulf themselves into her cooking--from love to lust to even anger. I like to feel that is true. I always attempt to surround my thoughts with positivity just so that I don't infect my cooking with any bad feelings.

In any case, there are a few dishes that my kids are madly in love with and I'd like to share those with you today. I'm not going to go into the recipes but I will attach links to them if they are available:

47. Chicken Spaghetti
This is actually a meal that I found on the website of Ree Drummond, also known as The Pioneer Woman. It is a baked spaghetti with chicken and cheese. Done just right, the spaghetti isn't over cooked and the chicken is always tender. My kids absolutely love this and ask for it constantly.
The Pioneer Woman, Chicken Spaghetti


48. Hash brown Casserole

If you are a fan of the hash brown casserole at Cracker Barrel, you will love this one. I literally follow the recipe but with one twist: I make them in ramekins with a variety of mix-ins--bacon, ham, sausage, or veggies! I love it because I can specially make them for each person with their favorite mix-in and it makes just enough so that there aren't too many leftovers.
Cracker Barrel Hashbrown Casserole

49. Grandma's Stuffing

You won't find my recipe for this one because it's all in my memory. My first thanksgiving in my apartment was just myself and my son. Like a fool, I cooked a 20 pound turkey--don't even ask me why. But the one thing I wanted to cook was my great-grandma's stuffing. Now of course I asked my mother what ingredients to use. But a recipe like that is all about memory. I used to help my mother mix it together (with my hands!) and I remembered the smells and how it tasted. I just let my senses take over and make my great-grandmother's stuffing. Now I make mine a little differently because I do not use stuffing mix. I actually use bread and make my own stuffing mix. This actually takes longer but like I said, I love being in the kitchen. I take pride in knowing that I'm able to replicate this recipe very well and everyone in my family loves it.

50. Chili

Anyone can make a chili honestly. Not that difficult of a task. But can you make it so your kids eat it? Honestly I was afraid the first time I did it. I didn't think my kids would enjoy it at all. I don't have a real recipe for this--I make it differently every time. Whatever beans I have, whatever meat I have, peppers, onions, tomatoes, and my variety of seasonings. Chili is that one meal I end up making when we are running out of food, running out of money, and just need something that will last a little while. I always feel accomplished when I make chili because I know that the family enjoys it and it will keep us going for a while.

I could go on and on but I think these are the most popular recipes in my house currently. Just remember what ever you are cooking, just cook it with love and with care. Take care of yourself!

100 things part 46--being straighforward

Most people who know me know that I have quite the mouth on me...and I don't mean that in any inappropriate way. I like to tell it like it is. All the time.

Here lately I've been feeling like I'm being treated like a criminal because I've made a decision to speak my mind. I'm here to tell you--whether or not you've been paying attention, I've always been like that. Sorry not sorry.

I made it very clear at a young age that I was going to be independent. My grandma used to say "I was born walking". I think she meant that more than just literally. I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to set a goal and always go for it. I've never been a runner. And I don't mean that literally either. I don't back down. I don't hide. When I said I was going to college, I went. When I said I was going to be a programmer, I did it. When I said I was going to grow in my career, I made it happen.

I love to say what's on my mind. Why run? What's the point? You were put here for a reason. If everyone sat around without an opinion, then we're no better than robots. No point in that at all.

I think for that reason people like to talk to me because they know I'm going to tell you what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. I'm not going to tell you WHAT to do however. But if you ask me a question, I will tell you the answer straight up.

I don't claim to be an expert on anything, especially life. I've had my fair share of bad decisions, poor choices, and mistakes. But the one thing about me is that I will tell you I made a mistake. Yes, I screwed that up. I'm also going to be ready to tell you how I'm going to fix that mistake. For every step is not necessarily a step in the WRONG direction but a step towards the RIGHT answer.

One important thing to remember is that you need to love everything about yourself...even what you think is bad. Every aspect of yourself is a part of you and who you are. You are the creator of your own universe. Not your parents, not your friends, YOU. Be forthcoming about what you want and how you want to live. You will make mistakes, so what? No one is perfect--and nobody cares honestly. Mistakes make us human. That's how we learn.

Make a decision today to do something and follow through. Be honest. Tell it like it is. It will probably be scary at first because it's not something you would normally do. But it's alright. Go ahead. I guarantee you it's going to be like a 100 pound weight off your shoulders. En Vogue made a song about this once..."Free your mind, and the rest will follow". They weren't just trying to get a gold album. The song has a point. DO you. BE you. I love you. 

100 things part 36 through 45--jobs

I've had a lot of jobs--not as many as most, but I'd like to take a moment to list them all because after all, without these experiences, I wouldn't be where I am:

36. Medical Records Clerk

My first job was working for an orthopaedic surgery center as a medical records clerk. This was my high school job. I didn't go until after school which was about 3pm or so and I worked until 5 or 5:30pm. I was there to file charts...all the charts. Because back then, charts were still paper with colored letters on the outside. I loved this job. The ladies I worked for were so kind and I'm happy to say I still keep in touch with many of them. When I went to college, they would still allow me to come back and work during the summer. After college, I was lost and didn't know what I was going to do but I needed to do something because after all, I was a mom now. So they took me on full-time. Sadly, through a series of circumstances, I was fired from that job. I was offered my job back but decided it was time to move on. I ended up working at another orthopaedic office (the manager of that office was the mother of my 5th grade teacher--go figure!). That place was more fast paced and after I discovered the opera, I left that office. But I will never forget how they took care of me and were kind enough to give me a chance.

37. Stage II Electrician, Barter Theatre

I was offered the position at Barter Theatre the summer of my junior year of college. This job CHANGED MY LIFE. In college, most undergrad theatre design programs teach you just that, how to design. But it wasn't until I worked at Barter that I learned how to be an electrician. My supervisor was an amazing guy named Trevor and he taught me so much. He taught me all the things I always wanted to learn: how to tie knots, how to make cable, and how to have fun while doing it. He joked with me my first day there and told me, "I asked for a monkey but I ended up with you instead". For a long time, I nicknamed myself Gobo the Lighting Monkey because of that! Trevor gave me my first show to design. It was a children's show, Little Red Riding Hood. I remember sitting there in the theatre with him that first day and I remember saying, "I don't know where to begin!" He sat there with me and just asked me questions like, what do you think is happening here and what do you want to see there. I finally started to understand and together we made my first design. I did two other shows that summer and by the end of it I was hooked--I knew that I was going to continue with this for a very long time. Trevor gave me a lot of courage, as well as a lot of knowledge--so much so that when I went back for my final year of college I was actually kind of bitter. I really wanted to stay at Barter and just continue doing what I had fallen in love with. But everything happens for a reason and I went back to college with the huge amount of knowledge I had gained.

38. Virginia Opera

Well I could say a lot about my cumulative 13 years of opera. But the most important thing I will say is that the opera allowed me to grow. I went from follow spot operator, to light board operator, to production electrician, to master electrician, to Lighting Supervisor in a very gradual yet seemingly fast time period. The opera was and is a massive part of my life. I literally grew up in the opera house. The opera staff was my family, my brothers and sisters, and eventually even my kids! I came in as Buckwheat (thanks Dave) and left as Mama K. I'll never, ever forget my time there.

39. Stagehand, one million places

Ok maybe not a million. But some of the places that I worked definitely made me a faster and stronger person. My summer of 2005 (and summers after that) was spent hopping between the amphitheatre in Virginia Beach, to the now defunct Todi Festival, to various other venues including the Constant Center at Old Dominion University, Chrysler Hall and Norfolk Scope, and the NorVa. I learned to move fast and play hard. The amphitheatre, however, was the most educational of all the places I worked. The crew manager there was a woman by the name of Cheryl, who literally put the fear of all the earth in me. I remember her saying to me one day, "You've got to be as strong, if not stronger than these boys". I was so afraid of being called weak that on my 50 minute drive to the amphitheater I had two ten pound weights in my car and I would do arm curls while I drove--one arm, then the other. There were a handful of girls that worked at the amphitheatre that summer. I was closest with three--Kandi, Nicole, and Teresa. These were my girls--we were always teamed up together in some way and we could run circles and squares around any guy out there. They had been doing this a lot longer than me and I learned from them. If not for them, and Cheryl, I don't think I would be as much of a force as I am now.

40. Busch Gardens
Now I never actually expected to end up here. But as I said in my previous blog post, it was Bill who convinced me to give it a try. All I really wanted was to learn how to program moving lights. The opera at that time, didn't really get them in shows that often. I was determined to find a way to learn how to deal with more advanced lighting. So I accepted a job at Busch Gardens as the Master Electrician for the Royal Palace Theatre for the summers of 2006-2009--literally doing the same show for four summers (in it's many variations). Now, MEs at Busch aren't really ME's. They are timecode watchers. But in my summers there, I wanted to do more. I helped repair my moving lights and all of my lights for that matter. I took time out to learn my console and eventually was allowed to program for the Summer Concerts there. The console I learned on was a Hog 500--never used a Hog a day before in my life. An amazing man named Jim taught me how to program that board like a champ. He was one of the best programmers I had ever met. He taught me a great deal about programming in general. Eventually I left Busch and never went back but I loved every moment I was able to learn something new there.

41. Pizza Hut

Now how does this belong here? Well, because I just can't get enough work, I took a job delivering pizzas for Pizza Hut. I did this while I was working for the opera. I loved the extra cash and the best part about that job is that I didn't have to be in charge of anything. I just came in, picked up my delivery and drove around all night. I really enjoyed this job--it sounds crazy I know. But it was actually a break from the stressful opera life. I liked being able to just do a job and leave and there was no after-work commitment, no emails to answer, nothing. Just me, my car, and my music playing.

42. Operations, Norfolk Scope

I took this job a few summers ago, just so I wouldn't be unemployed. But I really loved it. I dealt with special projects--organizing, remodeling, and writing SOPs (Standards of Practice). I loved the fact that it was a normal job, 8 hours a day, and still allowed me to be creative and do what I'm good at--I love organizing things. I re-organized many of the spaces there, I painted (which I love doing!), and I had a wonderful time working for Leann and Dave Y., who is my other business partner! At some point Jay joined the team and there we were, the three of us working together again!

43. AndScene Productions

Since I brought up Dave Y. and Jay, I should talk about this little baby called AndScene Productions. AndScene is Jay's brain child. He came up with the idea of starting a production design company, at a point where neither of us had any real work during one summer. Jay had previously done film work so he had the knowledge, Dave was the brains because he knew how to manage money, and I was literally along for the ride. We did several small projects but one of our biggest projects was The Possession Experiment, a movie that we did the sets and stunts for. I was extremely proud of this project. Jay did a wonderful job of creating the main area for the movie which was the basement and we all took a hand in getting that place looking amazing. My main job was set decoration but I also flew people (yes I said flew)! It was very hard work and long hours but we did it! If you want to take a look at it, go to Hulu--it's actually on there! We also worked on a TV series called Dystopia where Jay was the Production Designer and I was the Art Director. But my favorite part of that job was props. I loved my props. I loved creating and building and making something out of nothing. I had this huge table Jay made for me and it was covered in the most random things I could find. I even had a giant TV I disassembled (do you know how many screws are in a giant flat screen TV? The answer is, a lot.). The project was enormous and long but I'm glad it happened. I learned a great deal about film life during that period. Overall AndScene opened my eyes to a whole new world and I'm glad it happened.

44. Lighting and Sound Supervisor, Studio Theatre

So Studio Theatre was the job I left the opera for. Honestly at first, I thought it was going to be great. But, it did not turn out the way I expected it. There was a lot of work for one person to do. I remembered thinking, man I was spoiled having two really amazing electricians under me at the opera. Now I've got two apprentices. There were at least one hundred things I didn't like about that job but, the one thing that I did love about that job was that it made me remember what it was like to hustle and work hard. Things I had to do, I did on my own. Things I needed to learn, I did on my own. Working for Studio ended roughly 5 months after I started but I will say it was definitely the catalyst that brought me my current job.

45. Sales Associate, Barbizon Capitol

In June of this year I took a leap in a different direction and accepted a job working for Barbizon Capitol. I'll be honest--I was so uncertain about doing this. I mean we are talking about the complete opposite of what I've been doing most of my life. I went from running around on stage to sitting at a desk. But it was the best decision I've made in a long time. Not only am I loving selling things but I'm also happy to be working with so many of the people that I've worked for and helping them get what they need. I love the people I work for--I have the most amazing sales manager, general manager and CEO. The team in this office are some of the most fun-loving, laid-back, and phenomenal people I've ever met in my life. They are supportive in every aspect. I have been able to continue to work in the theatre world and make it home in time to catch my children's recitals and participate in their after-school activities. This was a great choice and I'll never ever regret it.

Needless to say, I don't regret any of these job choices. Each one of these experiences has given me knowledge, insight, and even peace at times. If there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I can honestly say in every job I've ever had, I've given my all. No matter the job, no matter how big or how small--I loved every moment.

100 things part 35...I love my desire for nature

I grew up in the country. Whaleyville--in Suffolk, VA. 5 miles from the NC State Line to Gates County. While our house was on a "major highway", my neighbors were an empty lot on the right, a holiness church on the left and behind me and in front of me was corn. Lots of it. There was a dirt path (that someone eventually decided to turn into a road for whatever reason) that separated our house from our great-grandmother's house on Robertson St, a small dead end road which also housed my elementary school. Almost everyone who lived on that street (there were 8 houses if I counted correctly) was related to me. There was a giant (huge) open field next to my grandmother's house and before they put that stupid road in the way, that's where we would play kickball, softball, etc.

I say all of this to get to this--we spent a LOT of time outside when we were kids. Bike riding, skateboarding, sports, mudpies, jump rope, you name it we did it. There were a great many kids that lived around me (most of them my cousins) and we were all outdoor kids. Because back then before the over-wave of technology, that's what you did. You played outside. All day. Until the streetlight came on.

One of my favorite things to do was to go exploring in the woods around my house and neighborhood. I didn't think about the possibility of running into a snake or some other creature that might freak me out. I just wanted to find things and see things. I wasn't very good at climbing trees, but that didn't stop me from trying. Lindsey B. and I were always wandering around in the overgrown grass and trees near her house as well. There was just something fun about never knowing what you will see or find. I liked finding wild fruit--there was a fig tree hidden in the woods near my house, some wild berry plants, honeysuckle (my favorite!), and a few others. I loved searching for 4-leaf clovers; I used to collect them and my mother would laminate them for me. I used to be able to find them so quickly! This was life when I was a child.

In my later years, I fell in love with the water. I loved to go sit in my car by the water in Portsmouth or Norfolk. Virginia Beach was great too, just a lot further for me to go. Sometimes I would go walk Waterside and just listen to the water move. I spent a lot of time here, even after my son was born. He loved riding in the car and he would sleep as long as he was comfortable in his car seat. Whenever I was frustrated, whenever I just needed to get away, this is where I would go.

I think that's why I missed Newport News when I first moved here to Alexandria. I was surrounded by nature parks, water, beautiful places to explore. I drove across a bridge every single day so I always got to see the sun rising over the water in the morning, and the beauty of the city lights reflection on the water at night. For whatever reason, I didn't realize that I could still have those moments here.

But thanks to my dear friend Robin, I have started to discover there are many places around me that are similar if not even more amazing than the places I used to visit. I've driven the road along Belle Haven which is beautiful at night and I love walking around my neighborhood. I take short walks during my lunch break and just try to enjoy the environment. When I moved up here and was working for Studio in DC, I used to walk from 7th and M to 14th and P every day. And everyday I would take a different route, just to explore and see the environment.

I think there's a lot to be said about my love for nature. I enjoy the variables of it. It's a constant but not, because the trees are ever changing, the flowers bloom and then they don't. The water moves or stays still. Even the moon with its consistent shape is ever changing to us visually--sometimes you see it all, sometimes you don't. Life is like that too isn't it? Ever-changing, blooming or dying, moving or standing, apparent or non-existent.

As I'm writing this right now, I'm watching the sun come in through the window and bounce off the floor. The beauty of it makes me smile and I can't wait to go stand in it, breathe the fresh air, and become whole again. Enjoy your day.

100 things part 34--being a friend (or best friend)

I'll be the first to admit--I have a LOT of friends.

Most of them I chose, some of them just happened into my life as a happy accident. Both types are loved and welcomed.

My friends are multi-gendered, multi-colored, with multiple backgrounds, beliefs, and ideals. I love everything about all of this.

As a child, I will say the vast majority of my friends were Caucasian. I could not begin to tell you why but I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that I "talked white". I got that a LOT. I didn't identify with the darker skinned kids I went to elementary school with I guess. I don't know. All I know is that I didn't have problem being friends with anyone. But a lot of people had problems being friends with me for their own sorted reasons or another.

In any case, the older I became, the more male friends I had. Again, no explanation as to why. I wasn't as feminine as my female friends I suppose. I wasn't cute enough to be their girlfriends but I was cool enough to hang out with. That was just fine with me. I had female friends I was very close with and they were the girls I basically grew up with. Amy and Lindsay B. have been a part of my life since around the age of 6/7 and they have both been a huge part of my life.

Stepping forward to college, I had many female friends (I did go to an all women's college). I didn't have any problems making friends there but I obviously was closer with my theatre ladies. They were the ones I spent the most time with. Susie, Bobbie, Kyle, Sarah, and countless other fierce theatre ladies that kept me going through even the most difficult of times.

In my post-college life, I fell into theatre again and two of my very best friends turned out to be men. Oddly enough I met them both at the same time. But one of them became my friend almost immediately. That would be my Bill--my amazing friend Bill, who I actually have seen the least over the last 10 or so years but has been so very wonderful to me in the last year. His friendship has never wavered, never broken, and never changed. This is highly invaluable to me and I return the favor in every opportunity I get. Within the first few months of meeting Bill, he bought me a Nintendo Gamecube (that I still have!) just so I would be able to play the new Legend of Zelda game when it came out. That's the kind of person Bill is--he remembers the little things. He's a wonderful listener. It was Bill who pushed me to venture away from the opera and go to Busch Gardens--without that, I would have not learned how to program moving lights. Bill moved away from Virginia years ago and I think we have seen each other two times since then. But it's always like we've never been apart.

I met Dave the same year I met Bill and I will honestly say, I don't remember when we became actual friends. Dave hired me to work at the opera and we were always "cool" with each other (except for that one time where he fired me--oh you knew I was going to say it). But I think it wasn't until after Dave came back to the opera many years later that we became truly dynamic. As a team, we were unstoppable always. We have the same work ethic, the same vision, the same...I could go on but I don't need to. I think you get the point. I always think of Dave outside of work like my big brother. The one I could go to if I needed someone to really take me down a notch. The one who knows how to put it into the right perspective. The one who knows exactly the right way to push me to be better. He's my brute--but that's perfect. There are very few people who know how to put me in my place and he's one of them. It's not always welcomed. but it's appreciated. When Dave became a father, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. But I vowed that I would always be there to support him, never advise--because being a parent is really about learning what works best for you.

I save Jay for last because if you know me, you know I talk about this guy a lot. He's a special one that's for sure. Jay and I worked together at the opera and did so well together, eventually we started a production design company together--well, let me clear that one up a little. I actually had no interest in doing film work whatsoever. What I saw though was a dear friend, who was so passionate about this idea that I wanted to support them in as many ways as I could. So I became a partner and we did some really awesome things together (there's a prior blog that talks about this). We see a lot of things through the same eyes sometimes and it's pretty dynamic. Jay also is a parent and I love that we are able to "parent" each other's kids because we have the same beliefs. My kids even call him "Uncle Jay."

What I love most about being a friend is that I know what it feels like to have a good friend. So I always give my all to be the best and most supportive friend I can be. I know what I need out of a good friend so that's what I give. I'm the friend that will give you my last dollar if you're hungry. I'll drive you a million miles to a doctor if you're sick. I will baby-sit your kids even if I'm tired as hell just so you can have a moment to yourself. I remember your favorite foods, colors, drinks, and TV shows. I show up to your house and I will have a meal with you and wash my own dishes. I will watch movies I don't like just cause YOU do. I will spend hours in a store with you even if you don't buy a single thing. I know your phone number without looking in my phone because that's how important you are to me. I love to buy you that one thing you mentioned in a conversation many moons ago because even if you didn't remember it, I did.

Being a friend is just as important to me as any other relationship you could ever have in life. I don't know where I would be without my friends. I hope they feel the same!

100 things part 33--being a wife

Disclaimer: Those of you who are closest to me and have talked to me recently will raise an eyebrow to this. Please note that this is about being a wife--not necessarily about the context of my marriage. Two things entirely. Please keep an open mind. Thank you. 

I had a dream when I was a little girl...

In my dream I had a big house with a wrap-around porch and a white picket fence. I wore an apron and kept house for my husband and 5 children while my husband went to work. We had dinner together at a big table and then sat around and told stories about our days.

Yah, it's a cute dream. 

Being a wife is way more difficult than this I've discovered. 

Now I don't have the picture perfect marriage and I don't know anyone who does. My concept of marriage was really just what I saw on TV. The only married couple I knew well when I was a child was my great-grandparents and my great-grandfather died when I was in second grade. What I know about their marriage now was that my great-grandmother really wore the pants in the family. My great-grandfather built their house to her liking. I remember as a child my great-grandmother telling her husband, "Charlie! I don't like this doorway here, I want it over there." My great-grandfather grabbed his tools and went to work. Whatever she wanted, that's what he did. Now that I'm older I realize how hypocritical my great-grandmother was (love you grandma)--telling him not to smoke as she chewed on her tobacco. But he was willing to do almost anything to keep her happy. And they were married over 50 years. 

My mother never married. My grandmother was already divorced by the time I was born. So I really looked to the people around me and television to show me what marriage was supposed to be like. It's no wonder that I thought that marriage was like a fairy tale--what with the Huxtables, the Ingalls, and the Cleavers inhabiting my thoughts. These husbands were workers, took care of their families and didn't expect their wives to work any harder than they wanted to. My childhood friend, Lindsay had what I thought was the perfect balance of married parents--they subsequently divorced later and now live happily apart. So you see, perception is the devil. 

Now it sounds like I'm saying being a wife is horrible. But it isn't. There's a lot to be said about pairing yourself up with someone for the rest of your life. It is a challenge indeed. But to be able to get to that point where you are willing and able to share your life with another human being isn't something that everyone can do. 

My husband and I had a child before we were married. As I said in a previous blog, it wasn't necessarily "planned" but it happened. We were off and on for years before we attempted marriage in 2005. We started to plan a wedding but it seemed like we couldn't agree on anything. We broke up again subsequent to our final falling out. We rekindled our relationship in 2008 and moved in together.  Finally in 2009, I literally looked at him and said, "Why are are still living in sin?" So we went down to Suffolk on Saturday, March 21, 2009 and were married by his aunt and uncle. It was a small quiet ceremony--I didn't even wear a dress! 

Our marriage has been an interesting one to say the least. Sure there have been ups and downs. But I love the days where I can just be home with my kids, put on my apron, clean the house, and have dinner waiting for my husband when he gets home. Those traditional ideals will never leave me. And I still plan on having that house with the wrap-around porch and white picket fence. 

Yes, I am the breadwinner in the household. I make the most money, I do all our repairs (that's my toolbag, not his). I manage our finances as best as I can and I make a lot of the decisions. Sometimes, I do wish that it was the other way around, but let's be real--this isn't TV. I'm a force of nature and sadly, he tends to let me have my way--just as my great-grandfather did with my great-grandmother. 

As a wife, I love being able to take care of my husband when he needs to be taken care of. I love to listen to his work day and his problems and try to help solve them as much as I can. I love being that support system. I don't mind doing his laundry, or picking up his medication, or running errands for him. Part of that is just my nature to nurture. The other part of that is me following the golden rule--treat people the way you want to be treated. 

If not for my husband, my career would not have gotten as far as it has. He has been a huge supporter in my endeavors in theatre, my education, and my transition out of theatre and into the "real world". If not for my husband, I would not have had the courage to make the move to do better and be better. 

There's a lot of ways you could look at that negatively and believe me I have many times.  But who can live constantly in a cloud of negativity. Most women will go their whole lives and never be married for one reason or another. I know that as a wife I am doing my best to do my part and my duty to make my marriage the best it can be--for better or for worse. 

100 things part 32--Being Mama K

You know, the story of the actual name Mama K eludes me for some reason. I feel like it happened somewhere at work over the last few years.

What I can remember is my boss and best friend Dave saying "Mama K" really loudly and I remember thinking, nah--I got my own kids at home. These little hellions ain't my children!

Or maybe I said that out loud...

In any case, you could ask anyone how the name came about and they'll all tell you a different story. But I know for a fact that I've been Mama K for quite sometime. I think it goes back to somewhere around when I was pregnant with my daughter

Now this is definitely my theatre name. And I've had quite a few. Strangely most of them given to me by Dave. But nevertheless here I stand, Mama K.

I love taking care of my theatre family. But I think I became Mama K because of my many years of knowledge at the opera. At least that's what I think. Also for the way I talk to people sometimes I suppose. Ask Faraji, he'll tell you about Mama K's gentle voice. The way I taught my staff was more or less mama-like. Not to mention all the times I fixed all the boo-boos...I'm pretty handy with some gauze I tell you.

The most important thing to me about being Mama K, is that it's a sign of respect--which I didn't notice at first. I actually was offended. But when I look back at all the times where someone called me Mama K or I had to go "Mama K" someone, it was because I was trusted and respected. Now I'm Mama K everywhere I go and I feel so humbled every time someone calls me that.

I am very proud to be Mama K and I hope it stays with me forever.

100 things part 31--being a singer

Along with being an artist, singing has been a HUGE part of my life.

Now this my mother would say, I didn't get from her. I think she sings beautifully. But she would tend to disagree I think.

Mom says, I've been singing longer than I've been talking. I believe her. Because if there's one thing I don't know how to do sometimes is keep my mouth shut. She has told me numerous times that I would stand up in my crib, in the dark, and sing my little lungs out. I sympathize--Jordan did the same thing when she was little.

My earliest memories of singing happened when I was quite young--kindergarten or first grade. There are two moments that I can remember clearly. Not sure which happened first so I'll just take a shot in the dark.

The first one I can remember was singing on stage at my elementary school "Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. That was one of my favorite songs, and I loved Whitney Houston. I know there are photos of me on that stage just belting my heart out. I don't remember what it was for but I remember impressing the masses with my ridiculously loud voice and intense vocal range. At that point in my life I don't think I knew the significance--I just knew I loved to sing.

The second I can remember was a song that I actually wrote with a little help from my mother. I actually remember all the lyrics:

Let the sun shine on your face
It will brighten up the place
And bring smiles to all of those
Who wear frowns beneath their nose
Let the moon glow through the night
And keep you safe from fright
As you snuggle down in bed
And let dreams fill up your head
Let the children of the world
Learn to love each boy and girl
Just because of what's inside
Love is something that can't hide
And the world will be much better
As we all live here together
Underneath a sun that shines on you and me
What a wonderful world this could be.
~c 1987 Kearston Dillard

Even at that age, I was pretty hopeful and optimistic. I read that now and I'm smiling because it was a song that really made me feel good to sing. In any case, I won several district awards for it and made my mother and grandmother quite proud.

I wrote another song for a similar competition later, I believe it was 3rd grade or 4th grade. That one was called If I Had a Wish. The song had similar connotations about hope for the world and everyone loving each other. That one too won several awards.

I stopped writing songs for a while after that and really began to focus on my singing. I joined as many choirs as I could--church choirs, school choirs, etc. I was told by many of my choral directors that my vocal range was immense. My voice at that time could travel from tenor to high soprano very easily and I had perfect pitch. I participated in many musicals in grade school and fell in love with my show choir in high school, Cavalier Singers.

When I made it to college, I thought that I was going to be singing professionally someday. But for some reason, a voice in my head said, hey you're never going to make a living at that! (I laugh now because I ended up in theatre but moving on...) So I stopped singing publicly and just kept it to myself.

I still sing. All the time. If you're friends with me on Snapchat you know that to be very true. I love singing to my kids. I sang to both of my kids while they were still warm in my belly and they too have become adorable little singers. Singing is actually a great way to keep yourself grounded. If you believe in chakras there are actually people who believe that singing opens up your chakras which of course allows you to see things in a better light. I actually believe in this. I have several songs that I like to call my "scream it out songs" that when I sing them, they actually force me to have a release of emotions. After singing those, I feel much better.

I can't imagine not having singing as a part of my life. As I look back on this, I realize that without singing, I would not have overcome as much negativity in my life. Singing is, in my opinion one of the best ways to push out all the bad vibes and let in all the good.

If I wasn't at work right now, I'd probably be singing at the top of my lungs.

100 things part 30...being an artist

I think I'm going to enjoy writing this one...

When I was a child, I grew up with a mother who was (and still is) INCREDIBLY talented as an artist. She could draw anything, paint anything and craft anything. My older brother was the same way. I never felt that as a child I could draw anything and my mother made such a big deal over my brother's artwork that I felt, well substandard.

I know how ridiculous that sounds now but just bear with me.

When other kids would invite their parents to school for career day, to talk about becoming a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher, I would invite my mother to career day to talk about art. Needless to say, she wowed them every time.

I was so proud to have a mom who could make me anything I wanted. I wanted to be able to do that.

It took me years, many years, to figure out that I could.

Now theatre is my art, through and through. But it's all the aspects of theatre that have made me realize something:

I am JUST LIKE MY MOM. I'm proud of that.

When my daughter started getting into drawing and painting and she would ask me to help her, I always felt like no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to do what she asked. Draw me a person, Mommy. Can you help me make this house? I was afraid I would fail.

But art is truly in the eyes of the beholder.

Lighting is my art. Always has been. Painting a set with colors and patterns, that's art. Most people don't look at it that way but think about it. The set with its many moving parts and basic paint job to make it what it is, well that's the base. Your lights are what sculpt it into the real picture. You can do an entire show in just plain white light and STILL it becomes something. How you cut the lights, how you arrange the lights--that's what makes it comes to life.

Art has become so much more to me. Coloring---oh coloring. I love to color. I have so many pieces of artwork at my desk currently that I have fallen in love with. Not to mention an obnoxiously large collection of Sharpies to color them with. I love that I can just take a black and white drawing and transform it into a work of art. My vision and mine alone make something so plain come to life.

Being an artist is a true expression of your hopes, your dreams, your fears, and your battles. Being an artist enables me to be free. There's no judgements in art, only your own. That is the only thing that matters.

100 Things part 17 through 29...I love my...

This post is going to be all adjectives. Simple words that describe me.

I love my...

17. Resilience. Ahhh, this is my favorite one and the one I'm feeling the most strongly right now. I love that I can come out swinging. That even in the face of sadness, or pain, or disaster, somehow I always seem to come out on top.

18. Compassion. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart opens up when I see someone in need. Even if I don't have much to give, I can't help but bring myself to assist in any way I can.

19. Strength. Physically, thought it may not look it, I am obnoxiously strong for a girl. That's from all those years of lifting heavy scenery and having to support my own weight on a truss or track. I love that about myself--I don't need any help opening my own jars!

20. Humor. Oh I can make 'em laugh--that's for sure. I've got a weird sense of humor sometimes, but it's all in fun.

21. Ambition. I am always climbing higher and higher. I know there's always something better and I don't mind looking for it.

22. Diligence. Catch me at work and you'll find me ALWAYS doing something. Because there's always something to do. I like to stay busy and I have not a single problem with that.

23. Honesty. Sometimes that and humor go hand in hand. But there's one thing that I can tell you, you won't catch me lying. I don't like it. I don't want people to do it to me so I don't do it to other people.

24. Loyalty. If you've got me on your side, you've got me for life. Unless you screw it up in which case that brings us to...

25. Forgiveness. Now let's not confuse this with forgetting. I never said I would forget you screwed up or broke my heart, but I do know how to forgive. Because by forgiving, we become stronger.

26. Punctuality. I like to be early. For everything. Being late not only screws over the person waiting for me, it also screws with my head. I have a routine for everything and being a second off just makes the day go horribly.

27. Resourcefulness. I definitely get this from my mother. She could make anything out of anything. I love crafting things out of whatever I've got laying around the house. Being resourceful also makes coupon hunting amazingly fun!

28. Optimism. Ask anyone. I'm an amazingly optimistic person. I love looking at the brighter side and always shooting for the positive. Positive thinking brings positive results.

29. Independence. I've always been independent. Even when I was a baby, my mother tells me, I just wanted to do things on my own. I wanted to walk before I could, talk before I could, even apparently change my own diapers. But I'd like to think that even at that young age I was put here for a reason. I love being able to choose, to make my own decisions, to be as I want to be.

I look back on this list and it makes me smile. I know there are more, but for now, this will at least help me sleep better.

100 Things Part 16--Being a couponer

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A TUTORIAL ABOUT COUPONING. I HAVE ANOTHER POST FOR THAT ;)

Most people know this about me but I love to save money!

I got into couponing about a million years ago. Okay well maybe not a million years but a really long time ago.

I think I didn't really start thinking about it until my son and I lived on our own and it became harder and harder for me to make it on the salary I was making. I got into it a little bit by just learning how to bounce from one store to the next and check out prices. I didn't really have a reliable computer, nor a reliable cell phone, so I did it the old-fashioned way. When my now-husband and I moved in together it became obvious that I needed to really start doing something to save money. So right around the time Jordan was born, I started shopping in different stores and using coupons even more. Then my best friend Amy taught me how to double coupon, even triple coupon. It was awesome. Now at this point, I was on food stamps but every "dollar" counts when you have a baby. And I was able to stretch those food stamps really far. It was great.

After Jordan was born it became more of an obsession--how to get the most for spending the least. And it was mostly just grocery store shopping but soon I learned the beauty of online shopping and coupon codes. Oh how I love the coupon codes. Just enter a series of random numbers or letters and boom!  Free shipping or 10 bucks off or something!

I don't think I need to go too much deeper into all of that. Look at my Facebook and you'll see how I love couponing.

But--one of the most valuable things to me is the fact that I know how to share my knowledge. Some couponers can be pretty secretive about how they save their money. Me? I love to share what I know. I want other people to be able to put away for that Disney trip, or that special gift, or just survive through the month. No matter what you're going through, every dollar counts!

100 things part 15--Being a Lighting Designer/Programmer

Well...this could take a while. Cause I can talk about this part of me all day.

Everyone has at least one thing they do extremely well. For me, I love lighting.

So for all of you non-theatrical people out there, I'll spend a few minutes talking about what that really means (theatre friends, bear with me).

So most people understand the basic structure of theatre. There's a stage, a set, sounds or music, some makeup and costumes, things that people use on stage (we call those props), and the lights turn on and off and sometimes do other things. Well, as I tell people, I do lights. Now let's be real, you probably don't really notice the lights until something really dramatic happens and that's ok.

Putting lights onstage requires a lot of work. You can't just hang them anywhere. One false move and that light is going to end up in a place you don't want it to be. And definitely not doing what you want it to do. You have to evaluate the scenery and determine what areas you want to highlight differently. You have to research the show and determine if you need any special lighting effects. And then you have to arrange all those lights in an effective way to accomplish all of that. You have to understand what the optimal position and height for those lights are in order to get what you need out of them.

Whew.

Like I said. A lot of work.

So when and why did I fall in love with lighting? I get asked that a lot. I actually fell into lighting in college when my advisor said, hey you don't have enough credits this semester, why don't you take this class Stagecraft. I was like, sure. And the rest is history. I jumped immediately into lighting and eventually adding on sound as well. But I loved the consoles. Programming boards was my heart and soul--still is. I pride myself on my programming knowledge and how I can make those consoles SING! By the summer of my junior year I had landed my first theatre job, Stage II Electrician at Barter Theatre, which meant I was programming and I had the opportunity to design my first shows!

And then I was hooked for sure.

So fast forward, I did complete my senior year with a great deal of experience in lighting (programming and design). Then I eventually got work with Virginia Opera in 2004 and started off as a spot operator. From spot op, to board op, to Production Electrician, to Master Electrician, to Lighting Supervisor, to Assistant Lighting Designer. All in the span of 13 years. Now that's growth! Throughout each of those transitions I made it my point to continue to enhance my knowledge in lighting equipment, consoles, design methods--anything that could and would make me better at my job. It wasn't like work though. Programming is like playing music on a piano to me. And since I have a musical background, it's almost the same to me. Lighting design is art. One of the most emotion invoking art forms there is. Because you as the designer can make a scene daytime or night time with just a change in intensity. You can make a love scene turn into a murder scene with just a spectral shift. You can conjure fear with the intermittent flash of lights or invite laughter with a comedic light chase. Lighting sets the atmosphere for all of these things.

Now as the Lighting Supervisor for the opera my job dealing with lighting was a bit different. My biggest and most important task was to take the lighting designers original design and pick it up and put it in two other theatres, exactly the way he or she left it. No pressure.

But I loved it. I loved taking the puzzle apart and putting it back together (I write about my love for puzzles in an earlier blog post). It was always an adventure. Will this fit there? How do I hang this without that? Because each space was very different, it required a lot of me paying attention to the show, taking notes, and photos even. I was always proud when I got to opening night and I could look at the stage and say, wow. Each show was a learning experience for the next one.

So as a freelance designer, I love doing anything musical. Straight plays bore me to tears. But dance is my favorite. I enjoy really allowing myself to allow the music to guide me in my design. And I like to program it myself because as I said earlier, to me it's no different than playing a piano. The console keys are just like piano keys, and the music that comes out is the beautiful lighting produced from the numerous keystrokes.

Lighting wasn't something that I chose, it chose me. And I couldn't feel happier about it. 

100 things part 14--Being a Mom

I love my children. And to relate that directly to me, I LOVE being a MOM

I'm going to tell you honestly. 

Neither of my children were "planned". In the sense that my husband and I didn't sit down and talk about it beforehand. But when you decide to be unprotected, well that's a plan. 

So needless to say, I found myself in the final year of college with a baby in my belly. This was 2003. My senior year of college. I was planning to attend UNLV for lighting design in the fall. But instead, I graduated and went home to my mother. My now husband was preparing to go into the army so I knew any day I was going to be alone. 

In any case, my son was born on September 24, 2003--one week after Hurricane Isabel knocked out our power. It was HOT. No A/C. And let me tell you carrying a baby during the summer is ROUGH.

But there he was, my perfect little boy. 7lbs 3oz of adorable cuteness that I wanted to love on and cuddle with every day of his young life. 

Isaiah is the musician of the Dillard-Scott children. He participates in three choirs and loves to create music on his tablet. He loves music. And he's amazing at it. He doesn't think I know because he doesn't like to sing in front of me, which bothers me a little, but that's ok. He's a boy after all. He's always had an interest in music and musical instruments. When he was little, he loved to listen to music and would just curl up in my arms every time I would start to sing. There's one song I used to sing to him when he was in my belly. It's called "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos. After he was born, any time that song would come on or if I started to sing it randomly, he would just quiet himself down and listen. I knew from those moments that music would always be a big part of his life. 

Isaiah and I have an interesting relationship. He was always little quiet and a little shy. And he still is. But he loves to talk to me about things. He's my favorite shopping buddy (he used to pick out my scents when I shopped at Bath and Body Works). He's my protector always--always looking out for his mom. And I love doing things for him. I redesigned his entire room when he turned 13 because I wanted him to have a "more grown-up" look. I spoiled him so badly when he was little and I couldn't help it. For a while it was just Isaiah and me living together and we spent a lot of time alone. But he never, ever made me regret my choices. And I never will. 

And then in the winter of 2009, practically 9 months after my husband and I tied the knot, here comes Jordan Mariah. 9lbs of adorable chubbiness. From the moment I saw her face, I knew she was going to be trouble LOL.

For one thing, Jordan looks exactly like me. I mean both of my kids do, but Jordan is the spitting image of me when I was a child. So looking at her is almost like looking through a window into the past. She even does the same goofy things to me that I used to do to my mother. For a while, I would just call my mom to apologize for being such a brat when I was little. She'd just laugh and say, "I told you so."

Jordan is the artist of the Dillard-Scott children. So we connect in so many ways. She loves to paint with me and color with me. And she loves lighting and consoles just as much as I do. I love to watch her little fingers push the buttons and make the lights come on. She's so inquisitive and wants to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. How it works, how it's connected. When Jay (my best friend) taught her the difference between "patching" for film and "patching" for lighting, her eyes just lit up with excitement. I love taking her to the theatre and watch her just amaze people with her knowledge.

When Jordan and I are alone, we talk about a great deal of things. She loves to know everything about my work and my friends. She wants to be a part of every aspect of my life. I find that absolutely adorable. I love the look on her face when I tell her we're going to do something awesome like build a doll house or color in our coloring book together. She loves spending time with me. And I absolutely love spending time with her. 

What I love most about being a mom is making things up as I go. Sure you can read a hundred books, a million articles, and talk to a billion people about how to be a parent. But the fun of being a parent is you get to choose your own adventure. You get to decide how you want to raise them, what you want to teach them, and how much you will let them change you. That's an important one: most people don't realize that to become a parent, there are certain aspects of your life that you do have to change. You don't have to lose them completely, but let's face it, there's some things you should reconsider doing when those kids come out--or even beforehand. It took me a long time to realize that to be a great parent one of the most important things was just BEING THERE. I missed so many of Jordan's birthdays because of my work with the opera. And though the first few she won't even remember, I do. So when I made the choice this year to get out of the theatre and take a normal job, I knew I was doing the right thing. Now I'm able to attend recitals, Girl Scout meetings, and have FUN with them. It was worth it. 

Being a mom isn't all flowers and sunshine. There are many hard, long days. There are days when I feel inadequate and I think all moms do at some point. But there's nothing wrong with that. All you have to do is bounce back from those feelings and keep going. I know that I wouldn't change anything about being a mom for anything in the world. 

100 Things Part 2-13: My body

100 Things part 2--My body

WARNING: This post will talk about how I feel about MY body. I'm going to talk about things that may or may not make you feel awkward. But you must understand that in order to love yourself, you have to accept the shell in which you are in. This is me accepting my shell.

So I begin at the top with my hair.

2. My hair.
In the past I have HATED my hair. From the time I was a small child, I was so envious of my mother's beautiful hair. My hair was thick and awkward and I didn't like it. So for years I struggled trying to find a way to love my hair. I cut it, dyed it, relaxed it, which of course destroyed it. And then about three years ago I decided to stop chemically processing my hair. I had a rough year for sure of really bad hair. But suddenly my hair has started to make me smile. It's so long I keep thinking there's a spider on my neck. I love how easy it is to manage and deal with. I spend not a lot of time on my hair anymore and I love that.

3. My brain
I must say, I think I'm pretty smart. I can linguistically run circles around the common person. I can logically and creatively look at something and break it down in so many different ways. I love how my brain enables me to write, read, and translate in three different languages (sometimes four!). I love the way I think through things and process information. I enjoy how it enables me to see the bigger picture.

4. My face (in general)
Everyone struggles with their face in some fashion or another. Me, I've got quite a few flaws on my face. I grow hair on my face in places I don't like. I have a wicked scar on the right side of my face (right under my glasses) from when I was in a car accident. It's a little discolored in places. But it is my face. And I think it's beautiful.

5. My eyes
My eyes are brown. Medium brown. But my eyes are amazing. These eyes are trained to see and absorb so many things. I can look at a photo and tell you exactly where those lights are hung. I can look at a gel color and tell you exactly what it is (with the assistance of my awesome brain). I can look at nature and find it's beauty. I don't know what I would do with out them.

6. My ears
I have supersonic ears. I can tell what a sound is so quickly. I know when my kids are jumping on the bed or playing with the blinds. But my ears also allow me to listen to a conversation completely. To hear every word in every sentence. I've been told by many that I am a good listener.

7. My arms
I am strong for a girl. I mean ridiculously strong. And I attribute that to my many years of opera and stagehand work. I always want to be able to carry my own weight. I love that I can lift and safely carry things made of wood and steel. I open all my own jars. And I give pretty good hugs!

8. My breasts
Now let's just be real for a second. They. are. big. I mean heavy. They hurt sometimes. They make my back hurt. They get in the way when I'm trying to crawl through things or get around things. Many of my shirts have a hole in the boob because I rubbed against something and my chest stuck out a little too far. BUT, they're mine. They are a part of me and have been a part of me for a long time, since I was in second grade. My shirts would be incomplete without them. I look good in a low-cut shirt. I mean really good.

9. My hands
Ahhh, my most prized possession. My hands are amazing. They are builders, writers, creators, teachers, and lovers. I can make anything. I can draw, I can color. I do art. I put together puzzles with them. My hands are my favorite tool because I know that with my hands there isn't anything I can't accomplish.

10. My legs
Now I'm only 5'5" but my legs are long. And I love that they are. I can find a pair of pants with no problem. I can hang out further on a truss or a pipe to reach things. And they are strong.

11. My rear view
So I am no Nikki Minaj or Beyonce but I do all right. Here's the thing, if people are looking then it must be worth looking at. I can't see it except in the mirror. But I can tell you this: I don't have any problems finding a pair of jeans that fit. And I am totally aware of the existence of my ass. Just like the top half, the bottom half of me finds it self poking out a little too far for some applications. But it does me just fine.

12. My feet
I am always on my feet. I mean constantly. I eat standing up, I work standing up. I rarely sit down to do even the most difficult tasks. They enable me to keep moving and going strong. I love their resilience. Even when they are tired, they are able to keep going.

13. My stomach
Now let's not get it twisted. I am carrying a load of extra weight around my mid-section. And I have stretch marks--quite a few. But they are the signs of a woman who has carried two babies full term. And proudly. So I don't show them off, but I know they are there. They don't make me ashamed. They make me feel bold, accomplished, and above all they are a sign that I will willingly sacrifice even my own body for my children.

Overall, I would say I'm built just right. It really doesn't matter to me what anyone thinks about how I look. Each one of these aspects of me is perfect. Flaws are what makes us different and I don't desire to look like anyone else but me.

If you can't love your body, no one else will. Embrace it. It's the only one you will ever have.

New project: 100 things (Post 1 of who knows how many)

In coming to terms with many things in my life, I came to the realization that I need to start loving myself as much as the people who surround me do. I feel it is a great disservice for me to expect love from others if I am not able to see the things that people love about me. So this is my new project: 100 things I love about me.

1. That I love. Period.

Some people can go their whole lives and not even understand how to love another person. They don't know what it even means let alone how to display it in a cohesive way.

So what does it mean to love?

A random definition says "an intense feeling or deep affection". 

Well that at least sums up the chemical part of it all.

But that's what it's really all about. It's a feeling. If you aren't loving for the pure excitement of it all then you're not doing it right.

I feel love when I am doing things for other people. From babysitting twins while my bestie runs to the store, to helping my daughter build a paper doll house. Even giving the man on the corner my last dollar--that smile is priceless! Inside I feel warm--elated. Like a toasted marshmallow.

Ok maybe not that, cause those get burned sometimes.

But sometimes, you feel burned when you love. When you give love and it isn't reciprocated, it feels like a cold, hard fire. The hardest part is turning that coldness into a feeling of warmth. When you love something just a little or even so deeply, most people when they don't visually SEE the reciprocation, they decide that love isn't worth it. But when you love truly and honestly, the effect of that isn't always VISUAL. Most people remember those feelings when they are down. The homeless man who hasn't had a meal in weeks will remember that there are people out there who do care and it gives him HOPE. Your kids will remember when they get older the times that Mommy spent helping them make something awesome. And your best friend will be so grateful to know that they are never alone.

So I do. I love. I give as much as I can in all the ways I can. Because when I'm down, I can look back and remember that warm and toasty feeling inside. I can't imagine life without love.

And in case no one has said it to you today, yesterday, or so long you can't remember: I love you.