Disclaimer: Those of you who are closest to me and have talked to me recently will raise an eyebrow to this. Please note that this is about being a wife--not necessarily about the context of my marriage. Two things entirely. Please keep an open mind. Thank you.
In my dream I had a big house with a wrap-around porch and a white picket fence. I wore an apron and kept house for my husband and 5 children while my husband went to work. We had dinner together at a big table and then sat around and told stories about our days.
Yah, it's a cute dream.
Being a wife is way more difficult than this I've discovered.
Now I don't have the picture perfect marriage and I don't know anyone who does. My concept of marriage was really just what I saw on TV. The only married couple I knew well when I was a child was my great-grandparents and my great-grandfather died when I was in second grade. What I know about their marriage now was that my great-grandmother really wore the pants in the family. My great-grandfather built their house to her liking. I remember as a child my great-grandmother telling her husband, "Charlie! I don't like this doorway here, I want it over there." My great-grandfather grabbed his tools and went to work. Whatever she wanted, that's what he did. Now that I'm older I realize how hypocritical my great-grandmother was (love you grandma)--telling him not to smoke as she chewed on her tobacco. But he was willing to do almost anything to keep her happy. And they were married over 50 years.
My mother never married. My grandmother was already divorced by the time I was born. So I really looked to the people around me and television to show me what marriage was supposed to be like. It's no wonder that I thought that marriage was like a fairy tale--what with the Huxtables, the Ingalls, and the Cleavers inhabiting my thoughts. These husbands were workers, took care of their families and didn't expect their wives to work any harder than they wanted to. My childhood friend, Lindsay had what I thought was the perfect balance of married parents--they subsequently divorced later and now live happily apart. So you see, perception is the devil.
Now it sounds like I'm saying being a wife is horrible. But it isn't. There's a lot to be said about pairing yourself up with someone for the rest of your life. It is a challenge indeed. But to be able to get to that point where you are willing and able to share your life with another human being isn't something that everyone can do.
My husband and I had a child before we were married. As I said in a previous blog, it wasn't necessarily "planned" but it happened. We were off and on for years before we attempted marriage in 2005. We started to plan a wedding but it seemed like we couldn't agree on anything. We broke up again subsequent to our final falling out. We rekindled our relationship in 2008 and moved in together. Finally in 2009, I literally looked at him and said, "Why are are still living in sin?" So we went down to Suffolk on Saturday, March 21, 2009 and were married by his aunt and uncle. It was a small quiet ceremony--I didn't even wear a dress!
Our marriage has been an interesting one to say the least. Sure there have been ups and downs. But I love the days where I can just be home with my kids, put on my apron, clean the house, and have dinner waiting for my husband when he gets home. Those traditional ideals will never leave me. And I still plan on having that house with the wrap-around porch and white picket fence.
Yes, I am the breadwinner in the household. I make the most money, I do all our repairs (that's my toolbag, not his). I manage our finances as best as I can and I make a lot of the decisions. Sometimes, I do wish that it was the other way around, but let's be real--this isn't TV. I'm a force of nature and sadly, he tends to let me have my way--just as my great-grandfather did with my great-grandmother.
As a wife, I love being able to take care of my husband when he needs to be taken care of. I love to listen to his work day and his problems and try to help solve them as much as I can. I love being that support system. I don't mind doing his laundry, or picking up his medication, or running errands for him. Part of that is just my nature to nurture. The other part of that is me following the golden rule--treat people the way you want to be treated.
If not for my husband, my career would not have gotten as far as it has. He has been a huge supporter in my endeavors in theatre, my education, and my transition out of theatre and into the "real world". If not for my husband, I would not have had the courage to make the move to do better and be better.
There's a lot of ways you could look at that negatively and believe me I have many times. But who can live constantly in a cloud of negativity. Most women will go their whole lives and never be married for one reason or another. I know that as a wife I am doing my best to do my part and my duty to make my marriage the best it can be--for better or for worse.
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