Madly in love

Wow...

So many things have happened since my last post...

Let's see, the biggest thing that's happened is that I'M HAPPY!

I mean I think I'm always pretty happy. I'm madly in love with my husband and my kids. They are my rock, my ground, my stand.

But here's my new happy place...And Scene Productions.

So in a prior blog post I talked about this little company that together with my best friend Jason "Jay" Tuthill and our friend Dave Young we started officially in 2013. And Scene was Jay's little brain child. I remember we were sitting out on his back patio one day in the summer of 2013, broke as hell, talking about how we were going to survive. Jay has this interesting love for horror films and I will admit I'm not that into it. But it was the passion in which he discussed being a production designer for  movies and music videos (as a matter of fact we were in the process of working on our first music video design together) that intrigued me. I think initially I was thinking, I don't know anything about how this works! So fast forward to October 2013, here we were in Portsmouth signing paperwork to make this dream a reality. When Jay and I came down those steps you would have though we were getting married or something! It was definitely a step in a direction of some sort. Again and still I was like, I have no idea where we are going with this! So in 2014, we got our first big design: a film called The Possession Experiment with the Digital Thunderdome Studios. I felt a bit sad at first because this was a big project and I, of course, was still in opera season and super busy. But, the moments I was able to be there were very special. I think I was really starting to get into the idea of hey, we are totally doing our own thing, for ourselves, on our own time. It was a bit quiet after that, a few projects here and there. Well, in the beginnings of this year, Jay started talking to me about some guy, who was coming back to work on a project with these two British guys. Now Jay's talking to me about all this for months and I'm listening to him on the phone. He seemed really excited about it and yet and still, I couldn't get there with him. I mean how often does someone call you and tell you that your company is going to be working on a new television series for the Sci-Fi network? So fast forward again to the end of April and surprise...we are definitely doing this thing!
Of course my thought was, what the hell am I going to be doing on this? I mean, I'm not a carpenter I told myself. Let me just say for clarification: I've told myself for years that I can't build anything, I'm an electrician, blah blah blah. Visual Art is one of those things I gave up on when I thought I couldn't make any money off of it. I mean, my mother is the artist, not me. My two brothers are even artists. But me, I'm the singer (or was). So building and creating things was not one of the things I thought I would ever do in a even semi-professional sense. But the things I created for this show made me go wow...why did I ever stop? I impressed myself as much as everyone else. When the main set was finished, I thought I was done. But my dear friend Jay somehow came up with this bright idea that I was the Art Director for this show. A-hem. Excuse me? So that's what I became--Art  Director. For 6 weeks I have doing things that I never thought I even had the mental capacity to do. It became like this part of me that I just kept hidden for so long. Now let's just be clear--I'm no expert. I mean, Jay is like a natural at this. He has a good eye and he's a super quick thinker which is extremely valuable in the film world. I'm still learning some things. But I'm loving every minute.
So why is all of this important? Here's the biggest part of what has happened to me in 6 weeks--my pain level has been at maximum a 2. 2...for at least the last 6 weeks. Little to no pain, excluding the normal stuff--lack of sleep, sore feet, etc. So then I think to myself, hmmm...there's a connection here somewhere. Then I came to the ultimate conclusion: I am madly in love with my business. Because what else but love can conquer pain that quickly? Sheer and absolute happiness has been my biggest and only medication for 6 weeks.
The other great thing about this is that I am back with my partner in crime. Short history--Jay and I met while working together at the Virginia Opera several years ago. I didn't like him at all. He was loud and I thought he was cocky as shit. But somehow the planets aligned and just like that we were dominating the stage together. We could run a work call like nobody could. I couldn't explain it, but with him I felt like we could do anything together. From that we became friends...best of friends. And then one day, Jay told me he wasn't coming back next season. I could have killed him really. I mean first of all, I had a migraine that day and I was laying face down on my bed with a pillow over me. Getting that call made my heart break into so many pieces. How could I do this job without my partner. Fast forward to 2013...you know the rest.
There's word for what we are...Anam Cara, which means soul friend. It's amazing how we work together. It's like magic. So there I find my cure. I think its a phenomenal thing to finally find someone who understands everything about your work ethic and how you work.

Coming to terms...

There's nothing better than having someone in your life who can give you a burst of encouragement whenever you need it. I'm lucky; I have several people like that around me. But one of my best friends in particular has a really good knack for getting me right on track. So I had a good talk with So best friend, you know who you are, I hate you for being right AGAIN! But thanks for making me realize what I already knew deep inside. Sometimes, you just have to kick me a little harder to get me to wake up!
I spent time listening to this best friend yesterday and I realized that as much as I have fought the changes within me and around me, change IS good. So many good things have happened to me, and strangely enough even the fibromyalgia is a good thing--it has made me want to be healthier, stronger, and give me the want to fight harder.

So I keep going. I keep moving. I'm growing up...I'm a grown up! (AAAAHHH!!!!) But I like it! I like the recognition of being someone so adult. I like the feeling of having so much power. I look back, career-wise and LOVE how far I have come. To start from the very bottom and to work myself up to where I am today is a blessing, a true blessing that I will not squander. I want to educate those around me and I want to share my knowledge and my skills.

To accept all this is to accept myself. I feel a wonderful burst of energy inside...it's like a firework going off over and over again. I can't believe how I have spent so much of my time in dread and fear. What a waste of moments, moments that I can never get back. But I will not waste one second from this moment on.

When you get to this moment in your life you start to wonder why the hell it took so long to get here. Well, you did. YOU got in your own way. YOU put up the roadblocks. YOU decided what you were going to run from instead of face. Now it is YOU who must push yourself, the roadblocks and stop for God sakes RUNNING AWAY. Stop it. Run to it--with your candle in one hand and your sword in the other.
Face your fears, child.

Today, is a new day.

Departure

Change change change...

It's been a while since I've written anything and for many a good reason: I've been ridiculously busy.

But so many things have changed in just the short time I have been absent from my blog. And the biggest change is the one that has been a constant for the last few years of my life: people leaving.

I know it's something that's supposed to happen but it just seemed like for a period of my life everyone was always there. I mean always. I had the fortune of working with one best friend, living around the corner from another, and having everyone in the right place in my universe.

But as things do, it all changed.

And change is good...I'm embracing it with open arms. But damn! Why so much at once?

Yesterday I found out that someone I have enjoyed working with is leaving. Like immediately. I won't go into details about why. It always hurts. My opera job is less like a job and more like a family get-together. When I lose a member of my opera family, it hurts to me the same as if someone died. Now I know in my head it's not the same, but my heart knows no different.

My biggest problem is that I get so attached to people very quickly. I wish I knew how to stop that.

I'm going to miss Nils very much. His charm, his smile, and his inevitable ability to make me laugh are going to be a loss that I'm not going to adapt to very well.

Our team is shrinking here. We were going strong coming into this season and now we're down 3 people in just a short amount of time. It's enough to make me want to shut the door to my office (or at least build one and then shut it since I'm in a cubicle lol). I wish I knew how to make them stay.

I know the reality is that I can't make them stay. As I've been telling them all from the very beginning: you have to find what makes you happy. Once you get there and you find it, everything will fall into place.

I know I'm happy here at the opera. I've been happy here for a long time. I don't care how many insane or seemingly bad things have happened in my time here, I just can't walk away. This is my HOME, my safe haven, my own little piece of heaven.

As long as I've been here, I've seen a lot of faces come and go; some worth losing, some worth not remembering, and some so dear to me that I've been extremely emotional about their departure. It's not going to change; everyone has to travel their own road until they get to the place they belong.

I got a flat tire a long time ago.

Impatient

Today I'm having the worst trouble dealing with myself.

I'm very impatient. I've known this for a long time. I don't like to wait for things. I like to get out there and make it happen. I'm trying to find ways to deal with this. I try deep breathing, meditation, writing...all of those things seem to help. The problem is, I don't do it often enough. Or I forget to do it because I'm so irritated already. It's one of those things I'm learning to deal with.

I've also become very intolerable to the word "can't". That word is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I like to think everything is possible...anything is possible. I'm a strong believer in each of us being the creators of our universe. Therefore, whatever we dream can come to pass. Any thing you want, anything you need, it will be yours. When someone tells me they "can't "do something, I automatically label them "quitter". It's a big problem I have.

I want to think that these faults of mine are surmountable. They've just seemed to intensify in the last few years. I don't know if it's because I'm growing or because my kids are growing up. But I think they have caused me to lose touch with people in my life that I would normally communicate with.

If I'm going to keep changing, I hope it's for the better. I have to trust that in the ultimate plan of sculpting my own universe all of these things I consider faults are necessary. I don't believe this evolution of myself is negative and I hope those around me don't either.

It's just one of those things that happens I suppose.

Homeless

I want to talk about Mr. Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith is a homeless guy I met yesterday after receiving some emotionally devastating news. 

I went to the gas station across the street from where I work and I was approached by Kevin Smith. He asked me for a cigarette and I told him I didn't have any. I walked into the store and I bought two Snickers candy bars (It was that kind of day). I paid with my two dollars and received change. When I came out of the store, he was still sitting there. I said to him, here's some change I just got back--would you like to have it? He said yes, thank you. Then he proceeded to tell me about his recent history: he just got out of prison up in New York and he had been down here homeless for about 10 days. He showed me where he had been sleeping, over by the bushes and I could tell he was truthful; there were bags and paper fashioned together like a bed. He told me he had an 18 month old baby. I asked him if he had seen his baby yet and he said no. I told him, you need to see your baby. They're what keep us going you know? He looked at me and said "you're a beautiful woman. I don't mean outside, I mean spiritually." I told him, I have God on my side. He then asked me if I had children and I said yes, I have two. Now Kevin Smith, not holding back, then proceeded to tell me that his baby needed a stepmother! I said, I'm already married love and I love my husband. He said, "I can tell that you do". He then said to me, "It's good that you know Jesus, but once you turn your back on him you may as well lay down and die." I told him he was right, to keep his head up and I was going to pray for him. I shook his hand and continued back to work. 

Moments like these happen to me often. I find it somehow fulfilling to talk to the homeless; to help them if I can even. It just makes me feel so good inside. Those moments keep me going--they remind me that no matter how bad it may seem, there's always worse. Now I will admit that Kevin Smith smelled very heavily of alcohol and was probably compiling change to hit up the liquor store across the way. But as I told my husband this morning I said, when God wants him to stop drinking, He will give him a sign. Who am I to be his judge? If that little bottle keeps him going for another day, then so be it. It's his life. 

I just had a flashback: when I was in high school,  I used to volunteer at the homeless shelter in Suffolk where I grew up. At the time I was there, there were 15 homeless people living in that facility. 9 of them were children. When I became vice-president of the student government, I remember starting a food drive that was dedicated to donating food to the homeless shelter. I also participated in a clothing/coat drive for them as well. Working there reminded me then that there are so many people in this world who just fall upon unfortunate circumstances sometimes without warning. I remember looking at the playroom for the children--it looked like any other playroom you would see in a daycare or a school. I remember feeling sad and glad: sad that they were living there, but glad that there were people in this world who were willing to help them out. I remember thinking, I want to be like that too.

I want to thank Kevin Smith and those like him because they are really the eyes of truth. Those who have lost it all help us to see that life isn't all that bad. They've been through the bad; they've lost so much, if not everything already. It hurts me to have to say any of those things when all I really wish I could do is help them all. I want to give them my change, my lunch, whatever and I do when I can. I don't do it for praise or favor or even tokens into heaven. It's just a part of me, of who I am now. I wasn't always like this. I used to just ignore them, or be rude like most of society. But why? The universe put those people in my path for a reason. If you trip over a rock in the road, why not pick it up? There may be something underneath it--something that you've been searching for and didn't even know it. 

I pray that Kevin Smith finds his way and the step mother he so longs for :)

My kids

I want to write about my kids tonight.

My kids are my reason for being, working, doing. They are my pride and joy.

My oldest child is Isaiah Leigh. He was born September 24, 2003...about 4 1/2 months after my graduation from college. I'll admit; he was definitely as society would say an "unplanned" pregnancy. But in my opinion, everything is a plan. Everything has a reason.

In any case, he was my little man for such a long period in my life. When my now husband and I were separated, it was just me and my Isaiah. He clings to me as most little boys tend to do to their mamas. He's quite defensive of me, which I find to be adorable. He will not hesitate to tell on his dad in a hot second!

Isaiah LOVES video games with a passion. He especially loves to play Zelda, which is totally cool with me because so do I! He also likes to sing, which he thinks I don't know about but I have caught him doing so a number of times. I try to encourage him by letting him know that both mom and dad were involved in our school choirs and performances but he still shies away--which is fine by me. He also loves to play basketball; he has played on a team for the last three years. He's very intelligent and amazes me more and more every day.

My baby (yes I still call her my baby) is Jordan Mariah. She was born December 5, 2009, approximately 5 days after my return from touring with the opera. I actually had to be put on bed rest with her and couldn't complete the tour. I suppose that's a good thing; otherwise she would have been born in Northern Virginia! We like to call her the "wedding night" baby LOL.

This little one is so much like me it's ridiculous. She's so charismatic. Only 4 years old and she already behaves like she's been on this planet for ages. She loves the color pink, princesses, and loves to sing. She has also become quite the little artist; some of her artwork has been posted up in her school fairly recently. Jordan is daddy's little girl to the fullest! She will not hesitate to call for her daddy if she thinks she can get a better deal. One of my favorite things about Jordan is that she loves to give hugs--to anyone. She hugs store clerks, pizza delivery drivers, friends, family, everyone. She makes everyone's day with her innocence and pure, true adoration.

Like I said, these two are my reason for being. Whenever I feel down, whenever I feel discouraged I just look to them. Their endless love keeps me going. When I was younger, I don't even know if I imagined being a mom ever. But I am their mom. And that's a beautiful thing :)

Love you my babies!!!

Work

Getting ready for work...

Well I have a ridiculous amount of jobs for a married woman with two kids.

My primary job for the last 10 years of my life has been working for Virginia Opera.  Currently I hold the title of Lighting Supervisor/Overhire Manager. Being lighting supervisor is a great job; my main task is to function as the Assistant Lighting Designer for the show and remount the production from our home in the Harrison Opera House to two sometimes three other venues! The trick is to remount the production and make it exactly the same as it was. Now you would think it would be a simple process but when you go into three different venues that are not only bigger but also are not anything like home it gets a little tricky. Different lighting positions are one of my biggest challenges. So it's like a puzzle; trying to make everything fit in a different box.  I love this job--you have no idea. I mean, it seems fairly complicated but that's what makes it exciting. I enjoy the complication and if you want to see me get excited, watch something not work out the way it was drawn on paper...oh I live for those moments! Because that's when my brain really gets to work. The end result is oh so wonderful...knowing the pain and agony leads me to the moment where I'm sitting in the back of the house and slapping myself on the back like damn girl, you've got this!
The other part of my job is more complicated, less satisfying. I also am in charge of staffing all of the crew calls...it is literally a 24/7 job. Phone calls, texts, emails...constantly trying to find people to come in to work...man it wears me down! But it's all good; it's my job.
One of the great things about working in the theatre/opera world is that the people you work with become your family inadvertently. You are with them more than your real family; you eat together, drink together, sleep together (not literally, but you know). Some of the people I work with are so dear to my heart, I don't know what I'd do with out them. My boss is one of those people, which makes life complicated and interesting. It's a balancing act to try and make that work but I think we do just fine.



Anyway job #2 is the one I'm getting ready for...delivering pizza for Pizza Hut.
I've only been working here for a few months and it's only on the weekends. But I do enjoy it. I enjoy coming home with cash in hand after delivering all night; that makes the walking, running, and angry customers worth the while. I don't know how long I'm going to keep this job. It is definitely a good one to have as a backup. I can come in when I want and work as long as I want.

Job #3 is seasonal.  I work as a Production Assistant for the Virginia Arts Festival.
Quite simply, we do setup/strike for events which could be as easy as setting up coffee or as complicated as disassembling a stage. Either way, I enjoy this job because out of all the things I do, it's the one job where I don't feel like my brain is in full over-time all the time. I work for two really awesome people over there and I get to work with an assortment of people who I have either worked with as a stagehand or have worked for me as a stagehand! I like to call VAF the all-star game of the entertainment season.

I also co-own/operate a business with my best friend Jason Tuthill and Dave Young. AndScene Productions, now officially a year old, is a production design company. We do production design/setup for movies, commercials, videos, etc. My best friend Jason is the Production Designer, Dave is the Art Director/Business Manager and I function as the Set Decorator. Our most recent project is a movie called The Possession Experiment, which I assisted in the stunts as well.  Here's a sneak peak of that project:

In my spare time (LOL), I also work as a shop electrician for Theatrical Builds, LLC, and I am the lighting consultant for Norfolk State University's Brown Hall Theatre.

Why? Why do I do all of these things?

I suppose for the most obvious reason--I'm insane. I mean, who the hell wants to do all that?

The biggest reason is because we are in a massive amount of debt. I'm not going to elaborate on how that happened. But hopefully all this hard work will help my family get out this giant hole we're in. So far, it's slow going. I mean you can accumulate debt faster than you can pay it off. But I'm hoping between all of the things I'm trying to do plus all the jobs my husband is working (he's up to three right now), eventually it will pay off.

In any case, time to put on my hat and apron and get these pizzas out. Not only is it football sunday, it's also WWE Pay-Per-View sunday...should be some good tips today!