Writer's note: This post is from 2015 and I'm not sure why I didn't publish it earlier but here it is!
Now here's the downside of what I'm going through...
I'm totally torn between two different factions. On the one hand I am madly in love with my company and all the wonderful things that we're doing. I can't even think of something that could replace it. But then there's this part of me that is sadly still torn between this and the opera. How do I embrace the inevitable change that could be the end of my 11 year run with the opera? It's a battle that I feel that I am facing on multiple fronts, both personal and professional. My biggest fear is that I will lose the personal relationships in either instance. I'm sure that's not the case but I can't help but think of it that way.
I guess the easiest way to to solve this is to make a list of the two things and compare right?
My happiest times at the opera have always involved the people that I'm working with. From learning how to be a stagehand, to times at the console, to becoming a part of the creative process--they've all been enveloped by a variety of people. When I came into the opera I didn't know anyone, not a single person. Not only did I have to face learning about the people I was working with but also had to re-assure myself that I knew what I was doing. When Dave hired me in 2004, my initial reaction was denial; I had been out of the game for at least a year and maybe the last time I picked up my wrench was to tighten a bolt on my dining room table. But the wonderful thing is that he saw something in me and quickly attached me to the then lighting supervisor, my former boss Ken. Ken was an interesting person; at first I was totally scared as hell of him. But he did teach me quite a few things about being a lighting supervisor but the most important thing I think he taught me was how to just plain survive the drama that was Virginia Opera. Of course working with Jay was one of the highest points of my tenure...and then he left...That definitely left a giant whole in my opera heart--who was going to be my partner in crime? Dave returned in 2012 and made that whole close a little but then he was promoted from TD to Director of Production. In an instant I felt alone again. I'm not opposed to working alone but it's a different kind of feeling when you feel alone in your environment. Trying to hold on to that friendship/work relationship started to become fairly complicated last year and I feel like something was lost. Guess that's one strike.
My job was a rocketed progression of promotions. From stagehand, to programmer, to touring electrician, to master electrician, to lighting supervisor I had the opportunity to learn a variety of things over several years. I embraced programming...after all, that's where I started. But what I realized about my promotion is that with all of that I was losing pieces of me that I didn't want to lose. And to try and justify that by saying, well just get your fix on your off time. There is no off time. I was starting to sacrifice my off-time which should have been family time to take on a ridiculous amount of outside work. It was a bad decision. Not only was I losing my family time but I became distracted from all the other things that I was supposed to be doing for the opera. My creativity was being fed, but my job was suffering. Strike two.
I think that's two pretty significant strikes.
So if it's that easy to drop those two reasons out of my brain, why is it not so easy to walk away?
Simple answers would be loyalty, respect, dedication. Those are usually the things that leave me attached to things that I no longer want to belong to. I like to describe this relationship as Ike and Tina.
So where are my strikes against my company? Well I think the obvious ones would be long days and long, long, hours. I mean, but what arts job doesn't have those? The opera does, the shop did, even my stupid pizza delivery job did. But I don't even feel like that is that big of a deal. I could say that we're a bit disorganized, which makes my little obsessive compulsive brain go insane but again, what new company isn't? Every step is a step towards organization and progression.
So with all that being said, what's next? What is my next move? How do I continue from here now putting on paper what I have been avoiding saying out loud.
Reason number 32 why I have this blog I guess.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Friday, September 8, 2017
Finances...the story of my life.
I've never been good with money. I mean, I like to think at one point I was. I remember maintaining a credit card and saving money enough to buy a car on my own with no co-signer so I must have been good at some point. But here lately I feel like every dollar I save, five more go out the window. I just don't know where I've gone wrong. Maybe if I look at the last 8 months of my life I can find some insight.
December 2016--I quit my job with Virginia Opera after 12 years of long, hard service. It was a job I loved and was getting paid pretty well...well enough to pay my rent with ONE week's worth of pay. But here in lies the rub: I started having delayed paychecks. Over and over again. And it's so hard to plan your life when you keep having your money delayed. So among other things, I left. I found a job in the great District of Columbia. But I needed to move ASAP. I pulled together as many funds as I could and moved my family in less than a week to Alexandria VA.
January 2017--So I'm working. My husband isn't. And the bills are piling up. He eventually gets a job working for Jackson-Hewitt, only temporary of course. And mostly part-time. Now we've gone from me making rent in one week of work to making 3/4 of the rent on a paycheck. Our rent, doubled. Our insurance doubled. Our bills doubled. And our income reduced by half.
March 2017--I picked up a short term gig in Atlanta to make money. However, because I didn't pay my tolls before I moved, I now have a whopping 1800 bucks in tolls to pay. I settled with the company for 1200. My pay from Atlanta--take a guess how much that was? So the trip, while it was amazing and fun, left me right back where I started.
April 2017--My husband now has a full-time job. Hallelujah.
June 2017--I quit my new job at Studio Theatre after months of unrest and just way more drama than I wanted to deal with. I went back to Norfolk for a week to make some extra money doing lighting design gigs. Did pretty well with that. Then headed back up home to start my new job at Barbizon.
Later June 2017--Summer camp--you know that thing you need for your kids when there's no school and you have to work and you don't have any family to help take care of your kids. Up here, 200 bucks a week. So total up about 3 grand in summer camp money and well...now you're back in debt again.
Now September, I'm stuck with a feeling of helplessness. I'm doing everything I can to save a dollar. Couponing, selling, surveys, quick jobs. And why oh why do I keep coming up short? What is there left for me to do? What else can I minimize?
I just want to get to a better place financially--is that too much to ask?
I've never been good with money. I mean, I like to think at one point I was. I remember maintaining a credit card and saving money enough to buy a car on my own with no co-signer so I must have been good at some point. But here lately I feel like every dollar I save, five more go out the window. I just don't know where I've gone wrong. Maybe if I look at the last 8 months of my life I can find some insight.
December 2016--I quit my job with Virginia Opera after 12 years of long, hard service. It was a job I loved and was getting paid pretty well...well enough to pay my rent with ONE week's worth of pay. But here in lies the rub: I started having delayed paychecks. Over and over again. And it's so hard to plan your life when you keep having your money delayed. So among other things, I left. I found a job in the great District of Columbia. But I needed to move ASAP. I pulled together as many funds as I could and moved my family in less than a week to Alexandria VA.
January 2017--So I'm working. My husband isn't. And the bills are piling up. He eventually gets a job working for Jackson-Hewitt, only temporary of course. And mostly part-time. Now we've gone from me making rent in one week of work to making 3/4 of the rent on a paycheck. Our rent, doubled. Our insurance doubled. Our bills doubled. And our income reduced by half.
March 2017--I picked up a short term gig in Atlanta to make money. However, because I didn't pay my tolls before I moved, I now have a whopping 1800 bucks in tolls to pay. I settled with the company for 1200. My pay from Atlanta--take a guess how much that was? So the trip, while it was amazing and fun, left me right back where I started.
April 2017--My husband now has a full-time job. Hallelujah.
June 2017--I quit my new job at Studio Theatre after months of unrest and just way more drama than I wanted to deal with. I went back to Norfolk for a week to make some extra money doing lighting design gigs. Did pretty well with that. Then headed back up home to start my new job at Barbizon.
Later June 2017--Summer camp--you know that thing you need for your kids when there's no school and you have to work and you don't have any family to help take care of your kids. Up here, 200 bucks a week. So total up about 3 grand in summer camp money and well...now you're back in debt again.
Now September, I'm stuck with a feeling of helplessness. I'm doing everything I can to save a dollar. Couponing, selling, surveys, quick jobs. And why oh why do I keep coming up short? What is there left for me to do? What else can I minimize?
I just want to get to a better place financially--is that too much to ask?
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Well...my life has been full of huge changes lately.
I quit my job after 12 years of Virginia Opera life.
My family and I have relocated to Alexandria, VA. I have a new job with Studio Theatre in Washington, D.C. as the Lighting and Sound Supervisor.
I will post more...but right now, all I can think about is cutting these coupons in front of me!
I quit my job after 12 years of Virginia Opera life.
My family and I have relocated to Alexandria, VA. I have a new job with Studio Theatre in Washington, D.C. as the Lighting and Sound Supervisor.
I will post more...but right now, all I can think about is cutting these coupons in front of me!
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Madly in love
Wow...
So many things have happened since my last post...
Let's see, the biggest thing that's happened is that I'M HAPPY!
I mean I think I'm always pretty happy. I'm madly in love with my husband and my kids. They are my rock, my ground, my stand.
But here's my new happy place...And Scene Productions.
So in a prior blog post I talked about this little company that together with my best friend Jason "Jay" Tuthill and our friend Dave Young we started officially in 2013. And Scene was Jay's little brain child. I remember we were sitting out on his back patio one day in the summer of 2013, broke as hell, talking about how we were going to survive. Jay has this interesting love for horror films and I will admit I'm not that into it. But it was the passion in which he discussed being a production designer for movies and music videos (as a matter of fact we were in the process of working on our first music video design together) that intrigued me. I think initially I was thinking, I don't know anything about how this works! So fast forward to October 2013, here we were in Portsmouth signing paperwork to make this dream a reality. When Jay and I came down those steps you would have though we were getting married or something! It was definitely a step in a direction of some sort. Again and still I was like, I have no idea where we are going with this! So in 2014, we got our first big design: a film called The Possession Experiment with the Digital Thunderdome Studios. I felt a bit sad at first because this was a big project and I, of course, was still in opera season and super busy. But, the moments I was able to be there were very special. I think I was really starting to get into the idea of hey, we are totally doing our own thing, for ourselves, on our own time. It was a bit quiet after that, a few projects here and there. Well, in the beginnings of this year, Jay started talking to me about some guy, who was coming back to work on a project with these two British guys. Now Jay's talking to me about all this for months and I'm listening to him on the phone. He seemed really excited about it and yet and still, I couldn't get there with him. I mean how often does someone call you and tell you that your company is going to be working on a new television series for the Sci-Fi network? So fast forward again to the end of April and surprise...we are definitely doing this thing!
Of course my thought was, what the hell am I going to be doing on this? I mean, I'm not a carpenter I told myself. Let me just say for clarification: I've told myself for years that I can't build anything, I'm an electrician, blah blah blah. Visual Art is one of those things I gave up on when I thought I couldn't make any money off of it. I mean, my mother is the artist, not me. My two brothers are even artists. But me, I'm the singer (or was). So building and creating things was not one of the things I thought I would ever do in a even semi-professional sense. But the things I created for this show made me go wow...why did I ever stop? I impressed myself as much as everyone else. When the main set was finished, I thought I was done. But my dear friend Jay somehow came up with this bright idea that I was the Art Director for this show. A-hem. Excuse me? So that's what I became--Art Director. For 6 weeks I have doing things that I never thought I even had the mental capacity to do. It became like this part of me that I just kept hidden for so long. Now let's just be clear--I'm no expert. I mean, Jay is like a natural at this. He has a good eye and he's a super quick thinker which is extremely valuable in the film world. I'm still learning some things. But I'm loving every minute.
So why is all of this important? Here's the biggest part of what has happened to me in 6 weeks--my pain level has been at maximum a 2. 2...for at least the last 6 weeks. Little to no pain, excluding the normal stuff--lack of sleep, sore feet, etc. So then I think to myself, hmmm...there's a connection here somewhere. Then I came to the ultimate conclusion: I am madly in love with my business. Because what else but love can conquer pain that quickly? Sheer and absolute happiness has been my biggest and only medication for 6 weeks.
The other great thing about this is that I am back with my partner in crime. Short history--Jay and I met while working together at the Virginia Opera several years ago. I didn't like him at all. He was loud and I thought he was cocky as shit. But somehow the planets aligned and just like that we were dominating the stage together. We could run a work call like nobody could. I couldn't explain it, but with him I felt like we could do anything together. From that we became friends...best of friends. And then one day, Jay told me he wasn't coming back next season. I could have killed him really. I mean first of all, I had a migraine that day and I was laying face down on my bed with a pillow over me. Getting that call made my heart break into so many pieces. How could I do this job without my partner. Fast forward to 2013...you know the rest.
There's word for what we are...Anam Cara, which means soul friend. It's amazing how we work together. It's like magic. So there I find my cure. I think its a phenomenal thing to finally find someone who understands everything about your work ethic and how you work.
So many things have happened since my last post...
Let's see, the biggest thing that's happened is that I'M HAPPY!
I mean I think I'm always pretty happy. I'm madly in love with my husband and my kids. They are my rock, my ground, my stand.
But here's my new happy place...And Scene Productions.
So in a prior blog post I talked about this little company that together with my best friend Jason "Jay" Tuthill and our friend Dave Young we started officially in 2013. And Scene was Jay's little brain child. I remember we were sitting out on his back patio one day in the summer of 2013, broke as hell, talking about how we were going to survive. Jay has this interesting love for horror films and I will admit I'm not that into it. But it was the passion in which he discussed being a production designer for movies and music videos (as a matter of fact we were in the process of working on our first music video design together) that intrigued me. I think initially I was thinking, I don't know anything about how this works! So fast forward to October 2013, here we were in Portsmouth signing paperwork to make this dream a reality. When Jay and I came down those steps you would have though we were getting married or something! It was definitely a step in a direction of some sort. Again and still I was like, I have no idea where we are going with this! So in 2014, we got our first big design: a film called The Possession Experiment with the Digital Thunderdome Studios. I felt a bit sad at first because this was a big project and I, of course, was still in opera season and super busy. But, the moments I was able to be there were very special. I think I was really starting to get into the idea of hey, we are totally doing our own thing, for ourselves, on our own time. It was a bit quiet after that, a few projects here and there. Well, in the beginnings of this year, Jay started talking to me about some guy, who was coming back to work on a project with these two British guys. Now Jay's talking to me about all this for months and I'm listening to him on the phone. He seemed really excited about it and yet and still, I couldn't get there with him. I mean how often does someone call you and tell you that your company is going to be working on a new television series for the Sci-Fi network? So fast forward again to the end of April and surprise...we are definitely doing this thing!
Of course my thought was, what the hell am I going to be doing on this? I mean, I'm not a carpenter I told myself. Let me just say for clarification: I've told myself for years that I can't build anything, I'm an electrician, blah blah blah. Visual Art is one of those things I gave up on when I thought I couldn't make any money off of it. I mean, my mother is the artist, not me. My two brothers are even artists. But me, I'm the singer (or was). So building and creating things was not one of the things I thought I would ever do in a even semi-professional sense. But the things I created for this show made me go wow...why did I ever stop? I impressed myself as much as everyone else. When the main set was finished, I thought I was done. But my dear friend Jay somehow came up with this bright idea that I was the Art Director for this show. A-hem. Excuse me? So that's what I became--Art Director. For 6 weeks I have doing things that I never thought I even had the mental capacity to do. It became like this part of me that I just kept hidden for so long. Now let's just be clear--I'm no expert. I mean, Jay is like a natural at this. He has a good eye and he's a super quick thinker which is extremely valuable in the film world. I'm still learning some things. But I'm loving every minute.
So why is all of this important? Here's the biggest part of what has happened to me in 6 weeks--my pain level has been at maximum a 2. 2...for at least the last 6 weeks. Little to no pain, excluding the normal stuff--lack of sleep, sore feet, etc. So then I think to myself, hmmm...there's a connection here somewhere. Then I came to the ultimate conclusion: I am madly in love with my business. Because what else but love can conquer pain that quickly? Sheer and absolute happiness has been my biggest and only medication for 6 weeks.
The other great thing about this is that I am back with my partner in crime. Short history--Jay and I met while working together at the Virginia Opera several years ago. I didn't like him at all. He was loud and I thought he was cocky as shit. But somehow the planets aligned and just like that we were dominating the stage together. We could run a work call like nobody could. I couldn't explain it, but with him I felt like we could do anything together. From that we became friends...best of friends. And then one day, Jay told me he wasn't coming back next season. I could have killed him really. I mean first of all, I had a migraine that day and I was laying face down on my bed with a pillow over me. Getting that call made my heart break into so many pieces. How could I do this job without my partner. Fast forward to 2013...you know the rest.
There's word for what we are...Anam Cara, which means soul friend. It's amazing how we work together. It's like magic. So there I find my cure. I think its a phenomenal thing to finally find someone who understands everything about your work ethic and how you work.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Coming to terms...
There's nothing better than having someone in your life who can give you a burst of encouragement whenever you need it. I'm lucky; I have several people like that around me. But one of my best friends in particular has a really good knack for getting me right on track. So I had a good talk with So best friend, you know who you are, I hate you for being right AGAIN! But thanks for making me realize what I already knew deep inside. Sometimes, you just have to kick me a little harder to get me to wake up!
I spent time listening to this best friend yesterday and I realized that as much as I have fought the changes within me and around me, change IS good. So many good things have happened to me, and strangely enough even the fibromyalgia is a good thing--it has made me want to be healthier, stronger, and give me the want to fight harder.
So I keep going. I keep moving. I'm growing up...I'm a grown up! (AAAAHHH!!!!) But I like it! I like the recognition of being someone so adult. I like the feeling of having so much power. I look back, career-wise and LOVE how far I have come. To start from the very bottom and to work myself up to where I am today is a blessing, a true blessing that I will not squander. I want to educate those around me and I want to share my knowledge and my skills.
When you get to this moment in your life you start to wonder why the hell it took so long to get here. Well, you did. YOU got in your own way. YOU put up the roadblocks. YOU decided what you were going to run from instead of face. Now it is YOU who must push yourself, the roadblocks and stop for God sakes RUNNING AWAY. Stop it. Run to it--with your candle in one hand and your sword in the other.
Face your fears, child.
Today, is a new day.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Departure
Change change change...
It's been a while since I've written anything and for many a good reason: I've been ridiculously busy.
But so many things have changed in just the short time I have been absent from my blog. And the biggest change is the one that has been a constant for the last few years of my life: people leaving.
I know it's something that's supposed to happen but it just seemed like for a period of my life everyone was always there. I mean always. I had the fortune of working with one best friend, living around the corner from another, and having everyone in the right place in my universe.
But as things do, it all changed.
And change is good...I'm embracing it with open arms. But damn! Why so much at once?
Yesterday I found out that someone I have enjoyed working with is leaving. Like immediately. I won't go into details about why. It always hurts. My opera job is less like a job and more like a family get-together. When I lose a member of my opera family, it hurts to me the same as if someone died. Now I know in my head it's not the same, but my heart knows no different.
My biggest problem is that I get so attached to people very quickly. I wish I knew how to stop that.
I'm going to miss Nils very much. His charm, his smile, and his inevitable ability to make me laugh are going to be a loss that I'm not going to adapt to very well.
Our team is shrinking here. We were going strong coming into this season and now we're down 3 people in just a short amount of time. It's enough to make me want to shut the door to my office (or at least build one and then shut it since I'm in a cubicle lol). I wish I knew how to make them stay.
I know the reality is that I can't make them stay. As I've been telling them all from the very beginning: you have to find what makes you happy. Once you get there and you find it, everything will fall into place.
I know I'm happy here at the opera. I've been happy here for a long time. I don't care how many insane or seemingly bad things have happened in my time here, I just can't walk away. This is my HOME, my safe haven, my own little piece of heaven.
As long as I've been here, I've seen a lot of faces come and go; some worth losing, some worth not remembering, and some so dear to me that I've been extremely emotional about their departure. It's not going to change; everyone has to travel their own road until they get to the place they belong.
I got a flat tire a long time ago.
It's been a while since I've written anything and for many a good reason: I've been ridiculously busy.
But so many things have changed in just the short time I have been absent from my blog. And the biggest change is the one that has been a constant for the last few years of my life: people leaving.
I know it's something that's supposed to happen but it just seemed like for a period of my life everyone was always there. I mean always. I had the fortune of working with one best friend, living around the corner from another, and having everyone in the right place in my universe.
But as things do, it all changed.
And change is good...I'm embracing it with open arms. But damn! Why so much at once?
Yesterday I found out that someone I have enjoyed working with is leaving. Like immediately. I won't go into details about why. It always hurts. My opera job is less like a job and more like a family get-together. When I lose a member of my opera family, it hurts to me the same as if someone died. Now I know in my head it's not the same, but my heart knows no different.
My biggest problem is that I get so attached to people very quickly. I wish I knew how to stop that.
I'm going to miss Nils very much. His charm, his smile, and his inevitable ability to make me laugh are going to be a loss that I'm not going to adapt to very well.
Our team is shrinking here. We were going strong coming into this season and now we're down 3 people in just a short amount of time. It's enough to make me want to shut the door to my office (or at least build one and then shut it since I'm in a cubicle lol). I wish I knew how to make them stay.
I know the reality is that I can't make them stay. As I've been telling them all from the very beginning: you have to find what makes you happy. Once you get there and you find it, everything will fall into place.
I know I'm happy here at the opera. I've been happy here for a long time. I don't care how many insane or seemingly bad things have happened in my time here, I just can't walk away. This is my HOME, my safe haven, my own little piece of heaven.
As long as I've been here, I've seen a lot of faces come and go; some worth losing, some worth not remembering, and some so dear to me that I've been extremely emotional about their departure. It's not going to change; everyone has to travel their own road until they get to the place they belong.
I got a flat tire a long time ago.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Impatient
Today I'm having the worst trouble dealing with myself.
I'm very impatient. I've known this for a long time. I don't like to wait for things. I like to get out there and make it happen. I'm trying to find ways to deal with this. I try deep breathing, meditation, writing...all of those things seem to help. The problem is, I don't do it often enough. Or I forget to do it because I'm so irritated already. It's one of those things I'm learning to deal with.
I've also become very intolerable to the word "can't". That word is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I like to think everything is possible...anything is possible. I'm a strong believer in each of us being the creators of our universe. Therefore, whatever we dream can come to pass. Any thing you want, anything you need, it will be yours. When someone tells me they "can't "do something, I automatically label them "quitter". It's a big problem I have.
I want to think that these faults of mine are surmountable. They've just seemed to intensify in the last few years. I don't know if it's because I'm growing or because my kids are growing up. But I think they have caused me to lose touch with people in my life that I would normally communicate with.
If I'm going to keep changing, I hope it's for the better. I have to trust that in the ultimate plan of sculpting my own universe all of these things I consider faults are necessary. I don't believe this evolution of myself is negative and I hope those around me don't either.
It's just one of those things that happens I suppose.
I'm very impatient. I've known this for a long time. I don't like to wait for things. I like to get out there and make it happen. I'm trying to find ways to deal with this. I try deep breathing, meditation, writing...all of those things seem to help. The problem is, I don't do it often enough. Or I forget to do it because I'm so irritated already. It's one of those things I'm learning to deal with.
I've also become very intolerable to the word "can't". That word is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I like to think everything is possible...anything is possible. I'm a strong believer in each of us being the creators of our universe. Therefore, whatever we dream can come to pass. Any thing you want, anything you need, it will be yours. When someone tells me they "can't "do something, I automatically label them "quitter". It's a big problem I have.
I want to think that these faults of mine are surmountable. They've just seemed to intensify in the last few years. I don't know if it's because I'm growing or because my kids are growing up. But I think they have caused me to lose touch with people in my life that I would normally communicate with.
If I'm going to keep changing, I hope it's for the better. I have to trust that in the ultimate plan of sculpting my own universe all of these things I consider faults are necessary. I don't believe this evolution of myself is negative and I hope those around me don't either.
It's just one of those things that happens I suppose.
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